Ambrose Bierce

Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

When you doubt, abstain.

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.

Doubt is the father of invention.

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.