If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive... — Audre Lorde

If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.

Author: Audre Lorde

Insight: There's a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from living inside other people's expectations. Maybe it's the colleague who assumes you're the "reliable one" and loads you with every project, or the friend who keeps treating you like the version of yourself from five years ago. Before long, you're not tired from doing your own thing—you're depleted from constantly performing the role others have scripted for you. What makes this quote hit differently is that it's not about being rude or selfish. It's about survival. When you don't actively decide who you are—your actual values, boundaries, and direction—there's a vacuum. And people (well-meaning or otherwise) will fill that space with their own needs, fears, and projections. Your partner might want you to be the stable one. Your family might need you to be the achiever. Your boss might prefer you as the unquestioning team player. Each expectation feels reasonable in isolation, but stacked together, they become a cage. The radical part is recognizing that defining yourself isn't selfish—it's the only way to show up authentically in any relationship or situation. When you know who you actually are, you can be genuinely helpful instead of resentfully obliging. You stop disappearing.