When we are upset, it’s easy to blame others. However, the true cause of our feelings is within us. For example, imagine yourself as a glass of water. Now, imagine past negative experiences as sediment at the bottom of your glass. Next, think of others as spoons. When one stirs, the sediment clouds your water. It may appear that the spoon caused the water to cloud – but if there were no sediment, the water would remain clear no matter what. The key, then, is to identify our sediment and actively work to remove it.

Your Sediment, Not Their Spoon

There's a real temptation to believe that someone else's comment, criticism, or action is what made us upset. They said the wrong thing. They weren't considerate. They stirred the pot. But this metaphor captures something true that most of us resist: we're rarely upset because of what happened in the moment. We're upset because of what was already sitting inside us.

Think about the last time you overreacted to something minor—a careless remark from a friend, a delayed text, a small failure. Chances are the intensity of your response didn't match the event itself. That gap is the sediment. It's old hurt, unmet expectations, past rejection, or chronic anxiety doing the real work. The spoon—the other person—just happened to be there.

The uncomfortable part is that this puts the work back on us. We can't control who stirs. We can only clean our glass. That means noticing patterns in what gets to us, sitting with uncomfortable feelings instead of immediately blaming them on someone else, and sometimes seeking help to process what's accumulated. It's slower and harder than pointing fingers, but it's the only way to actually change how reactive we are to life.