It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor... — Hermann Hesse

It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.

Author: Hermann Hesse

Insight: We spend so much energy trying to fix people—our partners, our kids, our friends—as if understanding someone means reshaping them into a version we find more comfortable or comprehensible. But Hesse is pointing at something much harder: that real connection means letting people be exactly who they are while actually paying attention to them. Not approving or disapproving, just seeing. This matters more now because we're constantly judging through narrow lenses. Someone's political views, career choice, or life priorities don't match ours, and we assume it means they're wrong rather than just different. The non-obvious part? Real recognition is actually harder than love. You can love someone while hoping they'll change. But to truly honor what someone is—their specific combination of fears, values, and broken logic—requires suspending your own blueprint of how they should be. The irony is that people often become more willing to grow and change when they feel genuinely seen, not when they're being reshaped. When someone stops trying to make you into their version of right and just looks at who you actually are, something releases. That's when real growth happens, usually not the way anyone planned.

Source: Demian, p. 91, 1919