George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Everyone driving slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac.